|DEA protecting American birds from getting high?
THE WINNIPEG SUN
October 6, 1999
Birds getting high?
Canadian hemp seed could lead to breakdown of avian society is U.S. Those crazy, nature-loving Americans are at it again.
Winnipeg, Ontario – In an attempt to protect the U.S. bird population from falling into the clutches of an evil Ontario farmer, the U.S. Customs Service recently confiscated, and is currently holding, 20 tons of his birdseed at the border.
Why? Because apparently U.S. Customs believes that the birdseed is question is just another enemy in the war on drugs. It’s made from sterilized hemp seed, which is a type of cannabis, and has a street value of $25,000. They believe that if American birds get the stuff, they’ll get so high that they’ll turn into avian hippies and hitchhike to Canada where the stuff is being grown all nice and legal-like.
PBS in jeopardy
Anyway, before I got around to calling Oliver Stone to get his
take on the whole thing, I tried to imagine the effect of feeding hemp
seed to the birds that hang out at our feeder. To begin with, our back
yard birds aren’t that bright. It took them a year to find the feeder
in the first place. So getting them stoned would make them the equivalent of Spicoli from Fast Times At Ridgemont
High. With wings!
Yeah, they’d come to feed in the early morning, and then by 10 a.m., they’d be lying around on the grass, twisting dandelion chains, warbling Joan Baez songs, and taking turns body painting each other. And when the cats started showing up there’d be the big showdown with someone trying to jam a daisy into the mouth of some feline who is only doing his job.
Then the chanting and the protests would start. Then more birds
would come and someone would get the idea that they should call it a love-in and hire some bands. And the next thing you know…
Woodstock. And maybe Snoopy. Or at least Snoop Doggy Dog. This is 1999, after